Thursday, February 20, 2014

Uncomfortable Musings

This is a heavy post. Consider yourself warned. But it's what's on my heart right now and that's what this blog is for.

I have been reminded today that God doesn't desire for me to be comfortable. Or happy. Or well-read, or put together or well-rested. Ouch. God calls us to be like Him. Like Jesus. The same Jesus who humbled himself and came here to eat with sinners and hang out with diseased people. The one who stayed up all night praying that he wouldn't have to die for us, but who surrendered to his Father anyway and carried a cross and died with my sin on his shoulders.

If I'm supposed to be like Him, I'm doing something wrong. Because I work all day at a cushy job where I usually avoid getting my hands dirty if I can help it. I go home and sit in my recliner and lose myself in a book or a tv show that in light of eternity means nothing. And I comment on how lucky I feel that we have money and time and no kids to keep us up all night and only one dog who is semi-behaved most of the time.

I make stuff I see on Pinterest and I paint the house another color and I do dishes and laundry and days pass consistently. But there are days when my soul stirs up against all the busy work that I use to keep it quiet and it cries out that I'm missing something. I feel like I'm missing what I'm here for. Because if I'm supposed to be like Jesus, then my hands are too clean and I'm getting too much sleep and my house is too quiet. Where are the hungry I'm supposed to be feeding? The orphans and widows I'm supposed to be taking care of? The prisoners I'm supposed to be visiting? Clearly they are all out there. But why am I not doing it?

Somewhere along the way in the last year I bought into the great "Christian" lie that God wants us to be comfortable and happy. We ask God to bless us and what we really mean is for God to keep us safe and rich and to otherwise leave us alone. But God calls us to pour ourselves out for Him, even when it doesn't make sense. 

Foster care was hard. We had three kids in less than a month. Just long enough to love them but not long enough to get into any kind of routine or easy pace. It was hard and it was full of grief and problems and it stunk. But it was without a doubt what God was asking us to do. To learn to lean on Him when there was no possible way of making it out alive otherwise. We didn't have a lot of friends or family that understood. Most people were happy when we closed our home. But I've said it here before and I'll say it again, I can't shake the feeling that we quit because it was easy and comfortable and not because it was asked of us. 

This is an "in-process" post because there is no closure. This is just what I'm thinking today. I can't ask that our home be re-opened to foster because Robby doesn't feel the same way. I don't know what else God might be asking me to do in the meantime, except to pray for him and myself and look for other ways to serve while I wait.

I was reading over here this morning, which is what spurred this convicted post. There were two things I read that are sticking with me. 
1. It's a hard truth to face that the story God is weaving out for you is different than the one you always dreamed of. 2. We have heaven to be comfortable. If you're going to be tired here on earth anyway, you might as well be worn out for the sake of the gospel.

I'll leave you with that.

1 comment:

  1. I love your heart! I believe that God will hear your willingness to do hard things and to give up your comfort for the sake of others and He will put you in a place where your gifts can be used to serve others. Maybe for right now, serving your husband is what He wants you to focus on. On the foster care note: have you ever considered becoming a CASA? I plan to do that when I'm no longer a foster parent. We have a major shortage of them around here but they're so valuable to foster kids.