Friday, February 21, 2014

Sometimes I Want to Quit

Right now, I am tired of being married. I would like to quit. I am tired of having to run all my decisions and plans by another human who sometimes shoots down what I would like to do. I am tired of spending all my money to pay for someone else's teeth to be fixed or textbooks or grad school classes. I was planning on spending what was left of my paycheck to build a bookcase. But instead all my money just went to a freaking crown. For someone who is basically willing his own teeth to jump ship. That isn't fair.

Our tax refund could go toward paying down our mortgage (on a house I didn't even want) or toward building a fence or fixing up the backyard, but instead it's going toward living expenses because I will be the only one with a job in a few months.

The other day he asked me which way I preferred the ironing board to face because his pants needed to be ironed. The feminist in me had a tiny aneurism at that one.

I can feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders and I'm suddenly thankful that I have a massage booked for tomorrow.

One that he bought me.
With his Christmas bonus.

And then I think about the whole year I spent in 2012 laid up in hospital beds and on the couch and how he put every spare dime of his toward too many hospital bills for too many months. I think about how he goes out to start my car in the freezing cold mornings, how he stays up late to take out the dog one last time so I can go to bed early, how he is generous with his time and how he works even on Saturdays because there are always bills.

And isn't this what I was asking for yesterday? The chance to be uncomfortable so I'm driven to my Savior?

Isn't this what love is? Waking up early to clean the house for the hundredth time, and pouring out your money and time and energy for the good of a family, and dying to yourself every.single.day? And if I'm asking for a chance to be the hands and feet of Jesus, shouldn't it start in my own home?

Love is always a choice. Sometimes the choice is so easy. It's borne out of fluffy love that comes naturally and requires no sacrifice. Other times the choice is a hard fought battle that involves setting aside my own selfishness and sinful nature and it isn't nearly as simple. But I would say those are the days when the choice is worth more.

I'm choosing love today.

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully honest post. It's so much easier and often more fun to be selfish. But love always wins.

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