I haven't been around here much lately. There's a reason for that, but I wasn't ready to announce it because it would mean being brutally honest with myself, and that's something I'm not a fan of. But, I'm tired of hiding out, so here goes:
Our foster parent status is officially on hold. We called a couple of months ago and requested that they not call us for any more placements and that our home be listed as "closed". There are a number of reasons behind that request, and Hubs and I have very different feelings on the subject. It's caused some tension, I won't lie. At the end of this post you will probably still be scratching your head with more answers than questions, because I'm not going to give a whole lot of details on here.
Here are a few of the reasons we decided to take a break for now.
Hubs is in grad school, so all of our money goes there. I'll be honest and say that a lot of our time goes there too. He spends most nights doing a lot of homework, and I usually help with proofreading papers and double checking things before they get turned in. He's spent a week up in VA for his school stuff already, and this summer we will be spending two consecutive weeks up there for two classes that he has to take. I'm going with him for moral support and to make good use of the money we've paid for hotel rooms (someone has to lay around all day and use the pool while he's in class, right?). On top of the money and the time we sink into grad school, there's all the drama that comes with foster care, which we already got sucked into big time and we only had the little girl for a few weeks. The last reason has to do with health factors. I've had to have several surgeries in the past year, and at the time we thought I was going to have to have another surgery fairly soon. I just found out the other day that I won't have to have surgery unless something changes down the line, which hopefully it won't.
These are all pretty logical reasons. But my heart is very, very heavy. I feel like God called us to foster care very clearly. He opened a lot of doors that we walked through in faith and He blessed us for it. If I am going to be honest, I feel like we are wimping out. I feel like collectively we are choosing what is safe and comfortable over what is right. And I hate that. I don't think what He is asking of us changed, which means we aren't only being cowards, we are being disobedient. But, I don't know how to reconcile that when it's not just up to me. The hubs and I have very different feelings and opinions on this, and we are going round and round and not getting anywhere on it. I feel like He asked us to make a difference and we failed miserably. Because we didn't. We had a total of 3 kids, for a total of 2 weeks and 3 days. None of those kids will probably remember we existed.
We can open our home again anytime in the next 2 years without having to take PATH classes again. We have talked about being able to come back to fostering after Hubs finishes grad school. I'm praying that we can, because I miss having kids in our house pretty badly. I was hoping that since we aren't doing foster care that Hubs might want to try for our own kids, but it's looking like that's a big negative too, for most of the same reasons. So, for now, it's us and the pets and I'm trying to learn how to be content with that.
For those of you that read here that foster, I am still reading along with your journeys. I hope sometime soon we will be back in the craziness with you.